Benjamin Kozicki are creating Bad Fiction
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patrons
$0
per month
I'm an adjunct college instructor who makes less to teach two classes* each semester than I did working 40 hours a week cleaning toilets for the city parks department. Cleaning toilets is okay I guess but I'd rather be teaching people to think critically because the world is already full of stupid people. Help me pay for food!

What is Bad Fiction? It's horror storyies of late capitalism, mispelled or poorly punctuateed. It's true tales of dealing with the insurance company after your car gets totaled and they treat you like shit. It's fizzles and fragments of nonsense. It's chunks of my dissertation that were cut out from my dissertation. It's all of this and more! Tales of the mundane! Bad bosses! Shitty coworkers! True stories so unbelievable that they sound like they're out of a bad novel. Fake stories so believable that you can't tell the difference anymore! 

What are you waiting for, sign up today!

*You might say 'gee only two classes' but that's the same amount of classes that my dissertation adviser taught last semester and compared to someone who isn't yet tenured I'm still getting paid about 1/10 of the amount to do the same amount of work. After lesson planning, grading, and all the other fun things that go with being a teacher my job is still valued as less important than cleaning toilets or picking up dog shit in the park.
Tiers
Bargain Basement
$1 or more per month

For the low low price of just $1/month you get the same amount of nothing as the person who pays $100 now that's what I call a bargain!

Casual Subscriber
$5 or more per month

You probably pay more per month for magazines you never read. What's one more subscription? As a bonus I don't pile up in your bathroom like all of those magazines. 

Forgot to Cancel Again
$10 or more per month

Got Netflix? Got Hulu? When's the last time you watched that shit? If the answer is like 6 months ago here's your reminder to cancel that account you never use and just pay me the money you don't seem to be missing instead. 

Shitpost Special
$15 or more per month

I'm just gonna shitpost on twitter instead of doing actual work because this still ain't shit for money. Hey you get what you pay for. If I see any good @dril tweets I'll copypasta the here or you can just follow him on Twitter but this way you'll know which ones to like I"ll even post vintage @dril from the good years okay? 

Bad Emails
$25 or more per month

Now we're talking! I'll write you like, 3, or five bad emails per month I don't know it depends. Gotta write your boss and don't feel like it? I got your back. Need to tell your ex that they should get tested for STDs? I got this. Need to get out of an awkward social obligation but don't feel like coming up with shit? Yo I can send you the raw text even so you can just copypasta that shit to your text message and blast whoever with like a 3 page text that will make their eyes glaze over and forget what the fuck you even were texting them about and you'll be off the hook 100% this is what I'm good at. 

Pug Lover
$50 or more per month

At this level you'll get any pics of my best friend and loyal pug that I decide to post. Look at her, she's adorable. Oh, you can't? Oh that's right, look at the banner for a sample and then come pay me money to see pictures of my dog. Everything from this tier goes straight to her first from vet bills to dog food and you're also paying for her treats because she's a special puglet.  

Money to Burn
$100 or more per month

You've literally got nothing better to spend your money on. You get the same amount of regular nothing as the $1 subscriber, but you can tell your friends at brunch that it's 'artisinal' nothing. Très chic!

Money to Burn Pug Lovers Edition
$101 or more per month

Same bougie bracket, but with the added bonus of pug pictures. 

Serious Subscriber
$500 or more per month

I get two or three of these and I might be inclined to actually post some of my horrible fiction. Or unedited sections of my dissertation. It's all trash anyway. As an added bonus you too can get pictures of my pug. 

You're my Boss
$1,000 or more per month

You literally pay me more than my job does now and you get to call yourself my boss. I won't show up on time, I'll shitpost to social media on the clock, I'll take hour long bathroom brakes and spend half the day on smoko. At this level I'll send you monthly installments of my dissertation and let you edit my bad grammar and poor punctuation. 

On Retainer
$5,000 or more per month

At this level I'm willing to do actual work. Edit your letters, paint your bedroom, cook your dinner, mow your lawn, etc. 

Full Employment
$10,000 or more per month

I'll read and write all day and send you updates each month on what books I read, what I'm writing about, etc. 

I'm an adjunct college instructor who makes less to teach two classes* each semester than I did working 40 hours a week cleaning toilets for the city parks department. Cleaning toilets is okay I guess but I'd rather be teaching people to think critically because the world is already full of stupid people. Help me pay for food!

What is Bad Fiction? It's horror storyies of late capitalism, mispelled or poorly punctuateed. It's true tales of dealing with the insurance company after your car gets totaled and they treat you like shit. It's fizzles and fragments of nonsense. It's chunks of my dissertation that were cut out from my dissertation. It's all of this and more! Tales of the mundane! Bad bosses! Shitty coworkers! True stories so unbelievable that they sound like they're out of a bad novel. Fake stories so believable that you can't tell the difference anymore! 

What are you waiting for, sign up today!

*You might say 'gee only two classes' but that's the same amount of classes that my dissertation adviser taught last semester and compared to someone who isn't yet tenured I'm still getting paid about 1/10 of the amount to do the same amount of work. After lesson planning, grading, and all the other fun things that go with being a teacher my job is still valued as less important than cleaning toilets or picking up dog shit in the park.

Recent posts by Benjamin Kozicki

Tiers
Bargain Basement
$1 or more per month

For the low low price of just $1/month you get the same amount of nothing as the person who pays $100 now that's what I call a bargain!

Casual Subscriber
$5 or more per month

You probably pay more per month for magazines you never read. What's one more subscription? As a bonus I don't pile up in your bathroom like all of those magazines. 

Forgot to Cancel Again
$10 or more per month

Got Netflix? Got Hulu? When's the last time you watched that shit? If the answer is like 6 months ago here's your reminder to cancel that account you never use and just pay me the money you don't seem to be missing instead. 

Shitpost Special
$15 or more per month

I'm just gonna shitpost on twitter instead of doing actual work because this still ain't shit for money. Hey you get what you pay for. If I see any good @dril tweets I'll copypasta the here or you can just follow him on Twitter but this way you'll know which ones to like I"ll even post vintage @dril from the good years okay? 

Bad Emails
$25 or more per month

Now we're talking! I'll write you like, 3, or five bad emails per month I don't know it depends. Gotta write your boss and don't feel like it? I got your back. Need to tell your ex that they should get tested for STDs? I got this. Need to get out of an awkward social obligation but don't feel like coming up with shit? Yo I can send you the raw text even so you can just copypasta that shit to your text message and blast whoever with like a 3 page text that will make their eyes glaze over and forget what the fuck you even were texting them about and you'll be off the hook 100% this is what I'm good at. 

Pug Lover
$50 or more per month

At this level you'll get any pics of my best friend and loyal pug that I decide to post. Look at her, she's adorable. Oh, you can't? Oh that's right, look at the banner for a sample and then come pay me money to see pictures of my dog. Everything from this tier goes straight to her first from vet bills to dog food and you're also paying for her treats because she's a special puglet.  

Money to Burn
$100 or more per month

You've literally got nothing better to spend your money on. You get the same amount of regular nothing as the $1 subscriber, but you can tell your friends at brunch that it's 'artisinal' nothing. Très chic!

Money to Burn Pug Lovers Edition
$101 or more per month

Same bougie bracket, but with the added bonus of pug pictures. 

Serious Subscriber
$500 or more per month

I get two or three of these and I might be inclined to actually post some of my horrible fiction. Or unedited sections of my dissertation. It's all trash anyway. As an added bonus you too can get pictures of my pug. 

You're my Boss
$1,000 or more per month

You literally pay me more than my job does now and you get to call yourself my boss. I won't show up on time, I'll shitpost to social media on the clock, I'll take hour long bathroom brakes and spend half the day on smoko. At this level I'll send you monthly installments of my dissertation and let you edit my bad grammar and poor punctuation. 

On Retainer
$5,000 or more per month

At this level I'm willing to do actual work. Edit your letters, paint your bedroom, cook your dinner, mow your lawn, etc. 

Full Employment
$10,000 or more per month

I'll read and write all day and send you updates each month on what books I read, what I'm writing about, etc.