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About bleak

hey all! i'm finally updating my patreon blurb!! my housing, food, and general non-food necessities are taken care of. i'm still dealing with a whole heap of mess, but mostly i'm in need of transportation-- that is, funds for transportation-- so i can get to medical/welfare appointments without relying on mediocre public transit.

i seem to have developed (or perhaps more appropriately, finally noticed) an as-yet undiagnosed fatigue disorder in myself. along with the c-ptsd, depression and anxiety i've got going on it's all i can do to take decent care of myself (food, hygiene, exercise, shopping, social life, etc etc) in the midst of trying to figure this out. i have ruled out several things it could be, and i'm hoping it's not something that many doctors don't believe exists, and i'm also hoping it's not purely mental, simply due to the social stigma involved with that.

i need patreon to get by because i'm currently waiting for my disability claim to process, which i have been doing for *four years* now. initial application, denial, appeal, denial of that appeal, HAD MY hearing before a judge and that appeal was denied too. i'm currently on my final appeal review, and god only knows when the day will come that they rule in my favor, so i need help in the meantime. and honestly? i'm afraid that actually getting on disability won't help my situation. the government isn't exactly known for lifting disabled people out of poverty, after all.

i'm struggling to reach my original goal of $300 a month, which would put me in a comfortable place where i don't have to stress out about money too much. stressing about money takes way too much energy out of me and i have precious little of that to begin with. it's not unusual for me to sit in my bedroom for six hours waiting for the energy required to eat breakfast.

if you don't feel comfortable or able to provide a recurring monthly expense via patreon, you can contribute in other ways - 
my wishlist has the most pressing needs on it and is generally a good indicator of where my patreon money goes.

you can also share these links, and/or vouch for me and what i am doing, why i am doing it. essentially, selling myself by persuading people to contribute to my continued existence isn't really something i have the inclination, ability, or resources to do.


now that i've got that out of the way, let me tell you a little about my goals and dreams. what i want for myself isn't really important. i have desires of my own, of course, but i've lived so long unable to indulge them that i don't see them as relevant. the short term plan is to remain in the bay area until the disability process finalizes, at which point it'll be harder for me to be financially attached to any place. as that's happening, and as circumstances permit, i'm teaching myself linux, and once i'm done with that i'll learn network topography, protocols, that whole area.

the next goal out from that is getting one or more security certifications, which will pave the road to starting an infosec career. if i can earn enough money off of that i can start an infosec/networking worker's co-op with the aim of equipping people with the tools or skills to make and maintain their own public or private networks, and i'll also use that opportunity to proselytize mesh networks. creating new avenues to pay people in the community is a really nice bonus to this as well.

without going into minute technical detail, a mesh network is essentially democratized internet. our internet is currently routed through several very thick bundles of wire right now, and a mesh network does away with that. meaning, ideally, no more ISPs, no more wondering if your connection is private enough, and no subscription fees. with this technology in place, one could easily create a free and widely accessible central repository for resources and information. contact directories for services, for a start: housing, food, healthcare, legal aid, you name it.

in particular i see a pressing need for such a central repository for trans healthcare and other related topics, and that is the driving force behind these plans as described here. a meshnet can integrate with the regular internet by piggybacking atop it, but not only that, it can leapfrog it entirely. i fully don't expect that to happen, but it's a nice thought anyway. i've grander plans but they lack feasibility.

and honestly? i hardly think about any of these things anymore because on average i have about one good solid hour each day that i can do things in and after that i have to recuperate. it's absolutely heartbreaking and overwhelmingly frustrating that i don't have the bodily wherewithal to pursue any of this anymore, banging my aspirations against the inside of a cage shaped like an inadequate welfare system. my greatest fear is that my passion will diminish to the point where i become complacent and willing to settle for just being able to leave the house when i choose to.

until i can position myself toward those goals i'm working with local community/political orgs and structures to support and strengthen my community's ability to thrive, prevent or mitigate incidences of state violence, and have our political voices be heard. statecraft and political actions are only a couple aspects of how i'm working towards this but i'm only one (heavily disabled) body with limited resources, and organizing doesn't pay the bills (at the very least, i don't intend to become a careerist). that's where you come in.


so, here's what's happening with your money. it is going to feed, house, clothe, teach me, as well as help me to remain web connected. it will keep me safe, or safer, at least. i've found it's nearly all i can do to convalesce from the fresh traumas arising and still manage to take a shower often enough to resemble humanity. it will provide tools and supplies to me and the people i work with in order to provide and protect where the state fails and exercises malice and neglect. on top of enabling me personally to pursue my goals, it will enable us, collectively, to pursue our goals.

while i'm doing the above work i'm free to explore my hobbies, which are studying critical theory and working with audio- music, editing, and some voice work even, various and spontaneous art projects as the spirit moves me. i also plan to teach myself python, not with any particular project in mind, but i'd like to be able to make my own tools at some point. all this stuff will be freely available, and it is so far, though all i've really put out besides a stray academic-sounding thought are a handful of lugubrious ambient selections, a short twine, and of course all the stuff i mentioned in the paragraphs above.
$240 of $300 per month
this amount combined with what i earn elsewhere will allow me to scrape out the most modest of livings. just enough to keep the mental health demons at bay. well, hopefully.
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