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About derek

hello, i am derek. 

i am a starving artist, a tortured genius, and one of those guys who "is underrated". i make videos where i spit on the camera and podcasts where i spit on the microphone. both of those things will be available to subscribers of this page. i will also try to do something that's actually good. but first i need money.

i need money so that when i get robbed i don't feel embarrassed when i hand over the contents of my wallet: currently a single buffalo nickel and a moth. i need medicine for diseases i have given myself. i need to become the next "dell dude". i need to go to the kind of therapy where you get to break the therapist's shit like you're smashing his desk and throwing books and he's just like yes yes get it all out. i need a wad of cash to place over my heart to protect me from assassinations. i need to buy a counterfeit brain scan. i need to pay back my former life coach so that he stops rolling through with his squad and busting up my apartment. i need to buy a bunch of exotic pets and then lose them. i need to fix the hole in my hobo bindle, or get a new hobo bindle made of hole-resistant material such as platinum. i need buy quasi-legal nootropics so i can enjoy newly invented emotions. i need to get groceries and pay rent. 

for just one single $$ DOLLAR $$ per month, you get access to my "private twitter account", where i will be posting "exclusive content". you can also give me more money, if you wish (customizable experience).

here's some stuff i'm going to do, if you lend me your strength:
  • post "funny videos" each week on private twitter
  • post audio content featuring monologues, duologues, rants, and weird annoying noises (under the "additional content" tier)
  • join the illuminati 

your support is greatly appreciated. if i could reach through the computer and give you a sweaty hand clasp on the back of your shoulder, i would.
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