Kristine Haecker

is creating Funny Fiction from the Real World

1

patron

$3

per creation
"The man who can laugh at himself 
Will never cease to be amused.

This has been one of my personal mantras for quite a long time. When I was very young it started with excessively self-deprecating humor.  As I've aged it has become more a case of simply telling the truth of my experiences, with as much smile and pun and wit as I can possibly shove into a story. 

This Patreon will be primarily focused on the series of short stories I have compiled together about some of the dumbest cubicle dwellers we have shared work spaces with.  Most are inspired by my own experiences, but some have been given to me by others.  All scenes are fictionalized as best I can to protect the guilty.  The book version is tentatively titled "Tales from the Cube", inspired by Tales from the Crypt, but don't worry, none of them get paranormal or creepy.  

Alongside draft chapters from Tales from the Cube I will post a monthly top 5 list.  Whatever random Top 5 list catches my fancy.  I will also post pictures of my boys, my 2 rescued pups, Ripley and Tosh. (If you hate animals, or anything that shits on the ground (as my mother says), or just plain don't want to receive updates on them, just let me know and I'll see what we can work out.)

Welcome to Funny Fiction for the Masses. I can't wait to see where this adventure takes us.

I hope to add audio in the not terribly distant future.  
Tiers
Receptionist - Pam
$1 or more per creation

This is your first step on the rungs of the Corporate America ladder. 

You’ll be shadowing Pam for awhile.  She'll show you how we do things around here. Once you’re ready to fly solo, you’ll get your own desk, and somewhere you can post your pictures of your fur babies. Until then, you’ll be hanging out with Pam. I’ll look around to see if we can get you something better than this wooden folding chair to sit on. 

And, if you doing a good enough job here might just finagle you a promotion to customer service!

Benefits:

* My undying gratitude. Your support gives me the ability to do what you want me doing more of, creating! In return I provide you with exclusive creations not available anywhere else. I will post a one-time shout out “Thank You!” on all my social media channels and a permanent “Thank You” on the Undying Gratitude page of my website. (If you don’t want the shout out, just let me know and I can skip them)

* Photos of my fur babies, Ripley & Tosh.  As well as *their* undying gratitude for helping me create more so I can pay for their treats and toys. Photos will be posted on a minimum monthly basis, more often if they’re doing something especially cute or funny.


Regional Sales Person - Jim
$3 or more per creation

By proving your skills as a receptionist, you caught the eye of someone higher up on the ladder and skipped past customer service, going straight to Sales! Congratulations! You get your very own desk with your own dedicated phone line! You can now put your own name on the voicemail! 

This is Jim, he’ll show you the ropes on how we keep our sales numbers high and keep our customer service department busy. It’ll probably take a while, but with plenty of hard work and dedication, you can keep moving up our corporate ladder, maybe even getting an office door you can close eventually!


Benefits:

* All Tier 1 items

* A once-a-month draft version chapter from my in-progress novel Tales from the Cube.  Think Tales from the Crypt, only Corporate America, and dumb, not scary.

* Monthly Top 5 list.  Top 5 books I love, Top 5 movie quotes, Top 5 favorite foods, something Top 5 about me. 

* At least one sneak peek per month into whatever I'm working on.  I can't promise these will always be funny, but I can promise you will be the only ones to see it! 

 * Access to my Patron Only Wall - these would be random funny stories or videos of the ridiculous things that seem to happen to me.   

Asst. to the Division Manager - Dwight
$10 or more per creation

You did it! You blew away the competition and showed upper management what you’re capable of! This is about as high as you can go without someone dying or retiring. Dwight will show you what he does for the Division Manager he works for, but you’ll also have to figure out what your own Division Manager needs from you. It could be sales, it could be answering phone calls, it could be scheduling meetings, it could be getting him coffee. But, pay your dues here and you’ll probably get first crack at his job when he leaves us. 


Benefits:

* All Tier 1 & Tier 2

* Monthly Q&A with me!  Send me your questions and I'll answer as many as I can during a half hour video I will record and then post.  Again, I can't promise these will always be funny; but, if you request funny, you'll get funny.  ;) 

 AND / OR 

* Monthly live video with me!  I am naming this "Story Time w/Momma Mouse" for a couple reasons.  

-Since high school I have had the nickname Mouse.  

-After college I mentored students for a couple years and gained the nickname Momma Mouse. 

-As for the story time part ...  a number of years ago a bunch of us were hanging out at a wedding reception and someone said something, I think about a grasshopper.  I told this funny story from a college psych class.  One friend said "Do you have a story for everything?"  

To be honest, the answer is yes.  I've been told by multiple people that I should be doing stand up.   This is your chance to see me at my off-the-cuff, improv-style funniest.  You can join me live (via video or a chat channel or even email; whatever works for YOU) and give me a topic, a word, a suggestion, and I'll see what I can come up with.  

I will probably try to limit this to about 30 minutes, but I may go over depending on the stories I'm telling. 

If I have separate requests/interest in both videos, I will do both. If there is only interest in one or all requests can be covered in one, I will do that one and lengthen the time to accommodate it if need be.

Division Manager
$50 or more per creation only 5 left

Division Manager - Well, someone got old enough to retire, so you finally got that Division Manager position you’ve had your eye on for years.  As every good member of upper management knows, in order to lead well you have to keep yourself aloof and separate from your underlings. Yes, you do get a door of your own that you can close to separate yourself from them. There really isn’t anyone to show you any ropes because at this level they’re too competitive to be willing to share anything they’ve learned. You are now the Big Cheese!  


Benefits:

* Tiers 1 & 2 included - (no videos)

* As the Big Cheese, you get a one-time opportunity to inspire a character.  You can give me as little as a name or we can work together briefly to get a few characteristics or a back story started.   I retain all rights for any story created, but you get first read. 

Goals
1 of 10 patrons
When I reach 10 patrons, I will do a special video with my boys thanking you all for your support!
1 of 3
"The man who can laugh at himself 
Will never cease to be amused.

This has been one of my personal mantras for quite a long time. When I was very young it started with excessively self-deprecating humor.  As I've aged it has become more a case of simply telling the truth of my experiences, with as much smile and pun and wit as I can possibly shove into a story. 

This Patreon will be primarily focused on the series of short stories I have compiled together about some of the dumbest cubicle dwellers we have shared work spaces with.  Most are inspired by my own experiences, but some have been given to me by others.  All scenes are fictionalized as best I can to protect the guilty.  The book version is tentatively titled "Tales from the Cube", inspired by Tales from the Crypt, but don't worry, none of them get paranormal or creepy.  

Alongside draft chapters from Tales from the Cube I will post a monthly top 5 list.  Whatever random Top 5 list catches my fancy.  I will also post pictures of my boys, my 2 rescued pups, Ripley and Tosh. (If you hate animals, or anything that shits on the ground (as my mother says), or just plain don't want to receive updates on them, just let me know and I'll see what we can work out.)

Welcome to Funny Fiction for the Masses. I can't wait to see where this adventure takes us.

I hope to add audio in the not terribly distant future.  

Recent posts by Kristine Haecker

Recent posts by Kristine Haecker

By becoming a patron, you'll instantly unlock access to 11 exclusive posts
8
Images
6
Writings
By becoming a patron, you'll instantly unlock access to 11 exclusive posts
8
Images
6
Writings
Tiers
Receptionist - Pam
$1 or more per creation

This is your first step on the rungs of the Corporate America ladder. 

You’ll be shadowing Pam for awhile.  She'll show you how we do things around here. Once you’re ready to fly solo, you’ll get your own desk, and somewhere you can post your pictures of your fur babies. Until then, you’ll be hanging out with Pam. I’ll look around to see if we can get you something better than this wooden folding chair to sit on. 

And, if you doing a good enough job here might just finagle you a promotion to customer service!

Benefits:

* My undying gratitude. Your support gives me the ability to do what you want me doing more of, creating! In return I provide you with exclusive creations not available anywhere else. I will post a one-time shout out “Thank You!” on all my social media channels and a permanent “Thank You” on the Undying Gratitude page of my website. (If you don’t want the shout out, just let me know and I can skip them)

* Photos of my fur babies, Ripley & Tosh.  As well as *their* undying gratitude for helping me create more so I can pay for their treats and toys. Photos will be posted on a minimum monthly basis, more often if they’re doing something especially cute or funny.


Regional Sales Person - Jim
$3 or more per creation

By proving your skills as a receptionist, you caught the eye of someone higher up on the ladder and skipped past customer service, going straight to Sales! Congratulations! You get your very own desk with your own dedicated phone line! You can now put your own name on the voicemail! 

This is Jim, he’ll show you the ropes on how we keep our sales numbers high and keep our customer service department busy. It’ll probably take a while, but with plenty of hard work and dedication, you can keep moving up our corporate ladder, maybe even getting an office door you can close eventually!


Benefits:

* All Tier 1 items

* A once-a-month draft version chapter from my in-progress novel Tales from the Cube.  Think Tales from the Crypt, only Corporate America, and dumb, not scary.

* Monthly Top 5 list.  Top 5 books I love, Top 5 movie quotes, Top 5 favorite foods, something Top 5 about me. 

* At least one sneak peek per month into whatever I'm working on.  I can't promise these will always be funny, but I can promise you will be the only ones to see it! 

 * Access to my Patron Only Wall - these would be random funny stories or videos of the ridiculous things that seem to happen to me.   

Asst. to the Division Manager - Dwight
$10 or more per creation

You did it! You blew away the competition and showed upper management what you’re capable of! This is about as high as you can go without someone dying or retiring. Dwight will show you what he does for the Division Manager he works for, but you’ll also have to figure out what your own Division Manager needs from you. It could be sales, it could be answering phone calls, it could be scheduling meetings, it could be getting him coffee. But, pay your dues here and you’ll probably get first crack at his job when he leaves us. 


Benefits:

* All Tier 1 & Tier 2

* Monthly Q&A with me!  Send me your questions and I'll answer as many as I can during a half hour video I will record and then post.  Again, I can't promise these will always be funny; but, if you request funny, you'll get funny.  ;) 

 AND / OR 

* Monthly live video with me!  I am naming this "Story Time w/Momma Mouse" for a couple reasons.  

-Since high school I have had the nickname Mouse.  

-After college I mentored students for a couple years and gained the nickname Momma Mouse. 

-As for the story time part ...  a number of years ago a bunch of us were hanging out at a wedding reception and someone said something, I think about a grasshopper.  I told this funny story from a college psych class.  One friend said "Do you have a story for everything?"  

To be honest, the answer is yes.  I've been told by multiple people that I should be doing stand up.   This is your chance to see me at my off-the-cuff, improv-style funniest.  You can join me live (via video or a chat channel or even email; whatever works for YOU) and give me a topic, a word, a suggestion, and I'll see what I can come up with.  

I will probably try to limit this to about 30 minutes, but I may go over depending on the stories I'm telling. 

If I have separate requests/interest in both videos, I will do both. If there is only interest in one or all requests can be covered in one, I will do that one and lengthen the time to accommodate it if need be.

Division Manager
$50 or more per creation only 5 left

Division Manager - Well, someone got old enough to retire, so you finally got that Division Manager position you’ve had your eye on for years.  As every good member of upper management knows, in order to lead well you have to keep yourself aloof and separate from your underlings. Yes, you do get a door of your own that you can close to separate yourself from them. There really isn’t anyone to show you any ropes because at this level they’re too competitive to be willing to share anything they’ve learned. You are now the Big Cheese!  


Benefits:

* Tiers 1 & 2 included - (no videos)

* As the Big Cheese, you get a one-time opportunity to inspire a character.  You can give me as little as a name or we can work together briefly to get a few characteristics or a back story started.   I retain all rights for any story created, but you get first read.