is creating eldritch humor, kind horrors, and post-nuclear action romance.

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About Geoff Who Lives in the Bath:

I flicked on the lights in the bathroom. The shower curtain was pulled back an inch or two. I didn’t remember having left it that way. Left hand still full of blood, I reached my right cautiously out and whisked back the curtain with a sharp tug. A writhing mass of black-green tentacles hovered in the corner, suckers gripping the tile, arms weaving and wending around the knobs and spigot. I averted my eyes; my brain, my mind, my very soul were unwilling and unable to take in the strange features and angles of the beast, lest I lose my mind.

It handed me a tissue.

“Geoff,” I said wetly, blood running down my chin, “what are you doing in my bath?

“Karen,” it answered in fifteen or so voices at once, “that’s an… awful lot of blood.”

I waved it off, walking to the sink. “S’fine. It happens.” I wiped the tissue across my mouth and nose, then gestured to the mass of darkness and slime in my tub with it. “Thanks for this.”

“‘Course, Karen. Least I can do.”

Geoff Who Lives in the bath is a (loving) parody of the cosmic horror genre, a genre in which I am and have always been deeply invested. It strives to be kind, funny, sweet, and socially aware, all while being dark, gory, and psychologically fracturing. So far, I think I'm going pretty alright. I don't think Karen's super thrilled with the whole thing, but Geoff seems to be having a good time. A better time than he was having before, anyway. Geoff Who Lives in the Bath is published on a weekly basis with brief breaks for other Patreon-relevant stuff, updates to The Second Law, and the fact that it's being actively writing because I swear to god this was not my intention. Thanks for bearing with me. Watch for falling rocks.

Geoff Who Lives in the Bath started as a short story that I churned out in twenty minutes during what I was calling NaNotWriMo (Not National Writing Month - well, it was November, but I knew I was never going to write 50k words last year, 2017, so instead I committed to writing 10-1000 words every day, just to, you know, write a thing). It was just meant to be a quick and funny short about a kind-hearted eldritch horror who lived in a lady's tub. He and the lady were, presumably, best friends.

I loved it.

And moreover, you people loved it.

So when I wrote a little more to the story, and started posting snippets on Twitter, people suddenly seemed to get a a lot more hype about the Patreon. So despite the header, Geoff and Karen are now the main focus of this page (they took over. I don't know what happened. It's like they staged a fucking coup). 

About The Second Law:

There wasn’t even a war.

Not at first.

I remember when it happened. Hell, it was only eighteen months ago, but it feels like a lifetime. In some ways, I guess, it was a lifetime, considering what died that day. Who died that day.

They said it was an accident, but can you really call keeping a stockpile of over ten thousand megatons of nuclear weapons an accident at all? Can you call bad practices and poor security and a diminished sense of danger an accident? I guess you can if you’re a bureaucracy, and that’s what we were then, in 2023. That’s all we really were. A system of checks that no one balanced. And now here we are, in this wasteland.

Here I am.

The Second Law is a story about Opal, a woman who lives through the worst imaginable future: nuclear war. But she survives, and finds a town of survivors, and with her Cessna she delivers mail and news to the parts of the United States that are still inhabited, still inhabitable. But when she heads to Minnesota, the furthest north she's ever flown, she finds out that the man she has been living with might have a past darker than the soot-filled clouds that still block out the sun.

About Paperclippe:

Paperclippe writes too much.

She writes when she really should be doing work, honestly. She writes when her significant other wishes she were paying more attention to him after dinner when Top Gear is on. She's been this way since she realized she could string a sentence together, and has been stealing pens from restaurants to write those sentences for just about as long (she is sorry to all the servers whose pens she has nicked. She hopes she left you a good tip. You folks just have really good pens). 

The Second Law was originally Paperclippe's 2013 NaNoWriMo project. She wrote it - or at least the first fifty thousand (and eleven) words of it - in twenty-three days, and then promptly forgot about it. She found it on her ten-year-old MacBook whose WiFi card had gone bad in August of 2017 (that's now) while she was looking for something else entirely, and she realized it was actually pretty good. She sent it to a friend who agreed, and so Paperclippe got pretty hyped, and decided maybe she should do something with it besides let it sit on a plastic white MacBook with a bad WiFi card. So she's doing this.

She, admittedly, still has to finish writing it.

Paperclippe is from Pittsburgh and is actually called Melissa Beall if you must know. She plays a lot of Dragon Age. She likes cats. A lot.

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